I'm not sure if I'm alone in the way I mentally torture myself. I'm sure some psychologist would have something to say about the way I mentally torture myself constantly. Looking at the accomplishments and genius of Leonardo Da Vinci I often find myself mentally weeping at my inadequacies.

Some would say that I am a fool for even comparing myself to such a man because there's no way to compare. However, I have delusions of grandier and think of myself in the same sphere as him. I have this deep burn inside that I could be as great as him. The thing holding me back is some sort of block. I'm not sure what the block is, it is definitely a mental block. It is as if there is some wall I run into when I am deep thinking. My thought is if I find a way to break through this barrier I will attain the true mental genius I am looking for.

Part of all of this comes from the fact that since I was young I have been told I am a genius. I have even been refered to as a genius recently. Am I bragging? No. I bring it up because it has a profound effect on the way I think of myself. I have always tortured myself with the thought of "Well if I'm such a damn genius why have I not done something truly incredible.".

This descends into constantly berating myself about failures or past mistakes. A frustration I can't seem to quell or get rid of and something I'll probably carry with me until the day I die. The blessing portion of this curse is that I constantly strive forward to acquire knowledge and search for the battering ram to this block I constantly come upon.

I have a feeling Leonardo had this same burden. Why else would a man continue to struggle ahead even into old age trying to discover and further his knowledge, always seeming to be seeking for some thing just out of reach?

All of this sounds crazy and arrogant of course, I realize that, but it's the true way of things for me.